A Piece Of Me

And as the envelope folds, I receive a call.. No caller ID, my premonition grew and I instantly knew. My mother left a voicemail, validating her disrespect with concern, and burying her guilt with money. She was 3 months clean… until she wasn’t. I began to wonder, was I every narcissist’s drug? Will the calling ever end? I made it clear to myself in that moment; any foe that pushed me to my limit will be exiled from the story. Disgust, anger, sadness, and all the other emotions paralyzed me. And even after 20 punches on the couch and a full night’s dream, I didn’t know I would still feel paralyzed.

Today, I have two choices. I can cope with the toughness, or I can deep-dive the well. We always ordered a combo to save, so I’ll choose both. I never realized how frustrated I still was by the waged war. I was covering up well with tasks and productions. Even in the deepest and most unregulated emotions, how could one speak such words out into the open? How could one who was so close for so long, cross onto the other side? Where has all the time gone? In the blink of an eye, I saw my life flash before me, and my bloodline became my bullies. And the feeling creeps deeper, recognizing that that’s who they always were. So I am grateful for all the lessons that led me to my conquest for self-preservation. If I was so grateful, why did life all still seem so unfair? The ladies with their blown out hair, the families that still had battery power, and the wealthy winners who turn a blind eye to those in despair. I try my best not to compare. It won’t get you anywhere. But in all the days of glimmer, I gave myself the chance to whimper. The facade that I built up all my life, crumbled down before me. I had to rebuild with nothing. Now that I’m just starting, I still have weeds in my garden. I can’t comprehend what I did to deserve this. All the times I was so patient, so loving, so giving, and so understanding. Why was that same grace never returned? Why did it take running away to find peace? Why is that peace still being challenged by those who feel entitled to “miss me.” They say “I miss you,” and they also say, “I hate you.” Screw those double-edged swords. You cannot judge me for the shield I hold; look at what you created. I wanted “the family life,” and still do, but had to change my perception to the truth. Those you love and miss may not be who you want them to be, but being exactly it is who you are, and who you want to be, is the silver lining of good news.

On days like this, I just want to crawl into a ball and scroll through my options of coping mechanisms. I was always given treats, and was always valued as a dog. At least now I can recognize the bad habits engraved in me. This time, did I want to choose differently? I tell myself, “I’ve done well for myself…I’ve cut out so much… I deserve this.” And my ego tells me, “You shouldn’t do this… It’s not good for you… You’re abusing your body.” With my thoughts drowning in conflict, I came to a decision. I am proud to recognize my coping mechanisms, and am proud to be self aware; managing my acts of coping in a healthy way. I force myself to be so strong, because growing up I had not much else to lean on. You can cope with a difficult period your own way, letting it be a part of you, while not abusing yourself. For example, if you’re going through a heartbreak and get an ice cream and put on your favorite movie, that is perfectly okay. But if you’re ordering in pints of ice cream everyday and not leaving your bedroom, that is not okay. Let yourself be balanced in all that you are. I don’t want to bully myself for how I was conditioned to cope with hard feelings. But now, at least I understand my actions, my motivations, my decisions, and my coping mechanisms. Maybe this will change overtime, or maybe it won’t. On either side, there is still always a safe escape. The truth is, I am facing myself and the truths of my reality. I don’t need to always bargain to be my best self, because sometimes I can be hard on myself. I will parent myself how I choose, and my path to parenting will be an evolution of healing and self-discovery. And as I head into the donut shop, I purchase 2 vegan donuts on my declining credit card. Some pieces of life are hard, and others are sweet. I love you, little me, here’s a piece of me. 

A Piece Of Me

written by Jacob Green on March 28, 2025

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